I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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