my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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