I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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