he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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