I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
