How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
