only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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