Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
