So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
