Please, let me fuck your mom
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
