Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
