I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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