I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He felt like a one man threesome
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
