Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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