Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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