I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Randomize
