Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
