Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
