the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Princesses don't give blow jobs
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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