I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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