I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
When did angry sex become our thing?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
