PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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