she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
