I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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