oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish i was in the wii world.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
