Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
