i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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