just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
