You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
