The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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