tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
