god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
