Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
