So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
