So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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