We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
