We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My ass is underappreciated
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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