Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
