Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
