so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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