1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
