i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
