Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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