youre lurking in front of me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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