I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
