the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
