I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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