so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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