Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
