she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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