Ambien. No doubt about it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
